Daily Accountability – Day 53

Went on a small vacation with the fam over the last 3 days, but didn’t do great with personal gospel study or prayers.    Thankfully, there were no major temptations or incidents with giving in to temptation, but there were definitely a couple of small times where I did give in.  The biggest challenge was when we took our kids to a small park where there was a water playground and there were some other people who were there in bathing suits, too.  Was hard not to look.  Then, later, at a restaurant, I noticed I was feeling more temptations to look, too, and I’m sure it was because of having already given in a couple of times.

I will start tomorrow with a day-by-day accounting, again.

Daily Accountability – Day 50

Scripture & Gospel Study: Yes.

Prayers: Yes.

Internet: Nope.

Temptations: A couple major ones today.  Did really well, for the most part.  Even looked away on a few commercials/tv show spots that were tempting and could have easily been watched.  I did give in once (milliseconds) and glance at a person after realizing she was there and being tempted.  Pulled myself away, though, almost as I was looking, but it was still too late.

Feelings: Feeling better today.  More at peace with work and financial decisions, including moving.  Still not 100% sure if we will be moving, or not, but we’ve decided we want to move, and now it’s time to pray about it and find out if it’s ok with the Lord.

Daily Accountability – Day 49

Scripture & Gospel Study: Did not do it this morning before leaving the house.  Wanted to do it in the day but got caught up doing work.  Will do it now before I go to sleep.

Prayers: Yes.

Internet: Was at home alone today for a few minutes and the thought crossed my mind that I could look at stuff, however, it was easily dismissed.  Today.  But it bothers me that the thought even came to my mind.

Temptations: I was tempted to look at a few people today.  I gave in once, I believe.  Don’t even really remember the circumstances or instance, but I know I did give in at least once.

Feelings: Tired.  Frustrated.  Stressed.  Tonight was the addiction recovery meeting but it wasn’t as good as normal for me because of some issues/problems that arose.  And then, coming home, the kids still weren’t in bed and I had to spend the next half hour before my bed time getting them in bed instead of relaxing and doing my nightly wind-down.    Sometimes I just don’t understand what is going on in my wife’s head, but that’s not anything new, so why should I let it upset me?  I was happy to see them all and get to kiss them good night, but I would have been happier had they gone to sleep when they were supposed to, especially with everything they have going on tomorrow.  Oh well.

Daily Accountability – Day 48

I missed yesterday cause my family and I went away for a small 4th of July holiday.  It was nice and relaxing to get away for a few days!  However, I did not do well with my prayers and scriptures.    It’s so easy to forget doing those things when I am out of my routine.  I am going out of town with my family soon, again, and so I am deciding right NOW to pray for help to remember my “daily’s” EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Of course, it will still be hard to do them, but if I at least remember them, I will be a step ahead of where I was yesterday and today.

I remembered late last night to do my accountability yesterday, but didn’t have a computer or internet access to do it with.  So, here’s a report of two days, sort of mushed into one:

Scripture & Gospel Study: I did read two small chapters of D&C last night, but then stopped reading and started watching a movie instead.  Sort of screwed up priorities there, eh?!  I will read tonight before sleeping, as well.

Prayers: Not so great.  I will definitely do a meaningful prayer tonight.  I have a lot of grateful feelings in my heart right now and I want to express that to the Lord.  He continues to bless me with so much.

Internet: Nope.  No internet = no temptations on the internet! 

Temptations: I was tempted a few times to look at people (we were around a LOT of people today) and I gave in a couple of times.  I was about to say, “nothing to serious”, but it doesn’t matter if a girl is fully clothed or half-naked… if I am tempted to look and I give in, the action is the same.  The resulting desire to continue looking may be stronger, but the sin in the initial action is still the same.  I can not allow myself to excuse or rationalize the small things.  The small things are where the addiction starts and grows roots.  Yesterday, I also found myself having negative/bad thoughts in my mind a few times.  I didn’t purposely put them there, but when they cropped up, I was surprised by them and disturbed by them.  There’s obviously still a lot of crap in my brain, and I have to be ever-vigilant to not let stuff like that take hold and continue thinking along those lines.

Feelings: Feel happy, but also a bit stressed, cause now I am facing another life-altering decision – whether we should move or not.  We live in an absolutely wonderful neighborhood with a beautiful home.  We are thinking of buying some land and building a home.  Just the thought of how much work that will take is enough to bring on the stress, but at the same time, the location and lifestyle would be awesome!  Of course, I’m also worried that I may have more than just a bit of “the grass is greener” syndrome right now.  I will pray about it, though, and seek to know the Lord’s will.  If He is for it, or at least, not against it, then we will pursue the move.  It will upset a lot of things in our personal lives (work, school, friends, etc.), but I think it could also be a wonderful thing for our family.

And yes, where I’m going has the addiction recovery meetings.  Thankfully!

Daily Accountability – Day 46

Scripture & Gospel Study: No morning prayer, but I will do my night-time prayer.

Prayers: Yes.

Internet: Nope.

Temptations: One pretty big temptation today that I can think of.  Saw an attractive person while driving today and wanted to look at her.  Was hard cause she was by me for a while.  Avoided the temptation for the most part, but found myself starting to look at her a few times.

Feelings: Fun family day today.

Daily Accountability – Day 45

Scripture & Gospel Study: Yes.

Prayers: Yes.

Internet: Was on the internet a bit more today than I have been recently and I was tempted a couple of times to follow links that I knew could lead to inappropriate material.  Thankfully, the Spirit helped me recognize the temptation and remember my commitments.  I don’t think I would have gotten into any pornography, or even anything tending in that direction, however, the simple fact that I was tempted means that if I give in, I lose a small battle.  Instead, I was tempted and I didn’t give in, which means I win! 

Temptations: I am trying to remember, but I don’t think I gave into any temptations today.  Maybe one…  I feel like there was one, but I don’t remember any details about it.

Feelings: I got a new iPad game today, and I know I’m going to have to be careful with it, because I already spent a couple of hours playing it today.  I wanted to keep playing it late into the night, but, thankfully, I was able to pull myself away without too much difficulty.  I know this is an area that can become a danger for me.  Not that the game is bad, because it isn’t.  But by getting too caught up in playing, I can easily blow off the things I NEED to do to keep my strength up and the Spirit with me.  I can not allow myself to become distracted from the best things in life, even by good things.

Daily Accountability – Day 44

Almost 45 days of sobriety and cleanliness!  Feels good. 

Scripture & Gospel Study: Yes.  Read a general conference talk this morning and will read scriptures tonight, as well.

Prayers: Yes.

Internet: No internet temptations today.

Temptations: One temptation that I gave in to today.  An attractive girl at the bank who was helping me, and I looked once when I was tempted.  Again, we’re talking nano-second length, but the fact that I did it still counts against me.  There were other temptations today, too, but I did well in not giving in to them.

Feelings: Still feeling pretty good.  Was pretty tired today from staying up to late last night, but tonight should help me get back on track.  I have to be very careful to always get proper rest cause physical tiredness plays such a big part in my ability to control myself.  It’s like being tired just puts a big wall between my spirit and body and the communication between the two is much weaker/harder.  I feel good about what I accomplished today, though, and am excited for tomorrow and the work I have to do.  I am also extremely grateful for my blessings and family.  I thanked the Lord today for just letting me have one more day with my kids and wife, and I pray that He will grant me yet another day with them tomorrow.

Daily Accountability – Day 43

Scripture & Gospel Study: Yes.

Prayers: Yes.

Internet: No internet temptations today.

Temptations: A few temptations, but I did well.  I did look once when I shouldn’t have, but looked right away as I realized what I was doing.  It’s amazing how easy it is to look, and how hard it is to stop yourself.  Nano-seconds matter!

Feelings: Good.  Tired.