Daily Accountability – Day 83

The most important thing I can do today is my daily accountability.  I have done all sorts of important things today for work, and for my family at home.  But my daily accountability is the most important.  “He can do more for others who has done most with himself.”  I believe that very strongly.  By being the best person I can be, and taking time in my life for my improvement and betterment, I can, in turn, do more for others.  Also, of course, if I don’t overcome my addiction and specific challenges/temptations related to the addiction, I will not have a very promising future, both in this life as well as in the life to come.

So, my daily accountability:

I was tempted to look at women today, but, I believe I turned from temptation in every instance that I can remember.

Scriptures:  not yet. 

Prayer:  not great this morning.  Will still pray tonight.

I recognize that I am in a vulnerable place right now because it has been a while since I have had meaningful scripture/gospel study.  I must continue to fill my mind with good, so there is no room for the bad.

Daily Accountability – Day 82

Caught myself looking at women in other cars today on the drive home.  I found myself rationalizing that it’s not that bad cause I can’t really see their bodies.  Of course, I realized pretty quickly that the truth is, that’s where it all begins!  Even if I’m just looking at a girl’s face because she’s pretty, I’m doing it for my own gratification and enjoyment, and it’s going to push me in other directions, so I can’t even afford to let myself start looking at faces.

Scriptures:  Yes

Prayers:  Yes

Internet:  No problems, despite spending a TON of time on the internet today.  I did find myself being attracted/directed at women’s faces, though, on yahoo, etc., before any other content.

Daily Accountability – Day 80

Cool – 80 days in.  80 days sober.  80 days clean.

But I don’t feel as good as I should be feeling.  Spending too much time working.  Not enough time on gospel study / service.  I need to go to the temple.  I need to pray better.  I need to study the scriptures better.  As simple as those answers may sound, I know from personal experience that it is true.  I’m feeling quite stressed and overwhelmed at the moment, though, with all that is on my plate.  And it’s so easy to fall into the fallacy that I have to leave earlier, work later and work harder in order to keep up with it all.

Having said all that, I have been reading and studying, but not a ton.  I have been praying, just not as effectively as I know I can.  Sometimes it just gets so hard.  It all seems like so much work.  And inevitably, the work that doesn’t have immediate consequences (but ultimately is more important than my “job” work) is the work that keeps getting put off and put off.  While the short-term, physical needs and existence keeps tempting me to focus just on it and forget the other.

As said before, I will NOT give in.  And even though I haven’t done a ton today in the way of physical action to back up my convictions, I will still reiterate and reconfirm my beliefs, for if I let go of them, then I am truly lost forever.

Now, onto the accountability.  I gave in a few times today, mostly just driving around and seeing an attractive woman, either on the side of the road or in another car.  I also recognized the temptations a few times and was able to not give in, so that is good.  I listened to a lot of spiritual music in the car today, and that was nice, too.

Prayer, yes.  Scriptures, not yet.

Daily Accountability – Day 79

Today was a wonderful day.  I spent a lot of time with my wife and children and really had a chance to remember/reconnect with what’s most important in life.  My life is about to take some major turns in an effort to live according to my understanding of these things, and I am very excited for that.  It’s very hard, sometimes, (well, often, actually!) thinking and remembering these things, and then knowing how far I am from acting appropriately/accordingly.  And even when I think about the big changes that my life will be taking, it’s the smaller changes, the smaller, daily actions, that are really still the more important things to change and to focus on.  But those things, for some reason, are always harder than the big changes in life.

So, my report for today.  No scriptures, yet, and because it’s so late tonight (got home really late), the scripture study most likely won’t be long or in-depth.  Prayer was forgotten this morning in the rush to get going with the family.

I was tempted numerous times today.  Unfortunately, I also gave in to looking numerous times today.  For some reason, I always feel like I have to clarify this, because I’m not giving in to looking at pornography.  I’m giving in to one of my weakest points, which I feel is one of the beginning points of a problem with pornography, well down the path near the beginning, and that is the problem of looking at females and their bodies when I am tempted to do so.  Still, even though it’s a lot less of a problem than succumbing and relapsing, it is still a sin and I am deeply saddened, disturbed and troubled by my desires to sin in this manner.

Daily Accountability – Day 78

Today was good.  Pretty busy with work, and that always makes it easier to avoid temptation.  Being in public is the hardest, as there are without fail attractive women walking around wearing immodest clothing.  Even at big family reunions, I learned.  Still, I did pretty good.  I’ve gotten out of the habit of counting how many times I give in to temptation each day, but I believe it was under three today.

Prayer this morning happened, but wasn’t really in-depth.  Scripture study hasn’t happened, yet.

Why is it so hard to keep up on the small, but so important (and in reality, not-so-difficult) things?!  Especially in the face of all that God has given me, why is it so easy to forget Him and get so caught up in my physical, immediate existence?!

Daily Accountability – Day 77

Today was a good day!  I was tempted a few times tonight at the swimming pool – took the kids swimming – but mostly just had a blast with them!

Other than that, I was tempted to look at women a few other times today, too.  I believe I gave in about three times today.  Not bad, but I want to get to where I am consistently able to ignore the temptations to look at other women around me.

I read scriptures today and prayed, and will now pray some more, and then it’s off to bed.

Daily Accountability – Day 76

I was tempted and gave in at least 4 times today. 

On the other hand, I also had some good spiritual time and prayer today.  Still, that doesn’t change the fact that I chose to give in to my sins today, even if just momentarily.

I pray that the Lord will grant me one more day.  I am again becoming more aware of my thoughts and temptations, and I am hopeful that I will have another day to work on becoming better, and especially that I will have another day to see my wife and children and be with them.  I am so incredibly blessed by the Lord.  Despite my sins, He has watched over me and shown me so much mercy, grace and patience.  I thank my Father in Heaven for His goodness and mercy to me, and I say again, I will never give up!

Daily Accountability – Day 75

Ultimately, facing each day and being honest about my actions is one of the single-most important things I can do.  It’s more important, even, than keeping a detailed journal of my life.  It might not always be that way, but it is the case right now.  Having a public place where I make these honest assessments and confrontations is also very important, because I know for a fact that people are reading them.  So, I will continue to post my daily accountability on this blog.

However, I know I also need to pursue other writing outlets, both journal-ish writing, as well as thoughtful research, insights, etc..  With everything I have already got going on in life, it seems very daunting right now to try to take on anymore, especially when I also know there are two or three other super-important things I need do/change.  Like exercise and eating right.

So, I guess it’s time to make a list of all the things I want and need to change, prioritize that list, and start with number one.  This time around, though, I’m going to do just one thing at a time for at least three weeks, and not try to take it all on at once.  I figure that if I had implemented just one change every single month for the last year, two years, three years (you get the picture) that I would be a LOT farther along than I currently am.  So, four weeks to work on a new change, and if it’s not where I want it to be, yet, I’ll just keep going on that one thing for another month.  I think I let myself become too overwhelmed with everything I want to change, and then when I take it all on at once and inevitably fail, I become very discouraged and just let it all go.  So I’m hoping this new pattern/method will be a much more effective and easy-to-keep-going way of doing things.

Today was a good day regarding my temptation.  I don’t remember any specific instances where I was tempted to look, but there was a time or two where I had to reign my thoughts back in.  I studied the gospel today a bit and will do some more before sleeping.  Morning prayer was rushed and not great, but tonight’s prayer will be better.  As for my feelings, I’m coming out of an extremely stressful time of my life where I had a lot of commitments to lots of people.  I’ve been able to make some critical decisions now and feel less stressed, but there is still a lot on my plate.  I need to remember that my daily’s are more important than my work, than earning money, than my hobbies, etc.  Especially my prayers.

Daily Accountability – Day 74

Today was a pretty good day.  Stayed busy, for the most part.  Had a few temptations, but didn’t give in to them, except for one, for a very short millisecond.

In thinking more about my daily accountability, I have realized that I often want to share more details regarding my life, my challenges, my situation, people, etc. – details that would be appropriate for a journal, but not for a public website as they would most-definitely point a finger right at me.  Of course, given the nature of my problem, I want to remain anonymous, but at the same time, I feel a growing need to keep a journal and to be more open and honest.  I haven’t made a final decision, but I am leaning toward moving away from this site to my own, personal “closed” site, or to a hand-written journal.  The thing that really makes me want to keep doing this site, though, is the hope that I might be able to help even just one other pornography addict.

Hopefully I can find a good middle-ground and do both, but I am fearful that I just don’t have enough time for that.

As for my other daily accountability items, I did read a chapter in my scriptures this morning, and I did pray, but it was a very short/distracted prayer and not very effective.  I will now read more before going to sleep and will put real effort into having a good and productive prayer.

Daily Accountability – Day 73

Met with the bishop this morning and re-committed to doing my daily accountability.  I didn’t mean to stop, but with out-of-town visitors staying at our home for a week, it became difficult, and then life just got busy, I am always tired at night, and well, you know the story.  No real excuse.

However, the last couple of days have begun to get more challenging for me, and I am NOT going to sit by and watch myself go backwards.  This is one of the most powerful exercises/methods I’ve ever done in keeping myself where I need to be.  From now on, I will consider it crossing a bottom-line to not do my daily accountability, and know that that act (or inaction) is a step in the wrong direction, and I recognize it as being such.

It was good to be open and honest with the bishop.  I haven’t had any acting-out in the last 20 days, but the last two or three have found me giving in to the temptations to look at women.  It’s scary how quickly the dark, ugly thoughts and desires come back when I start giving in.  I will NOT give in and I will NEVER give up!  Should I fall a thousand times, yet will I rise one thousand and one.  That much I can do.

I have also let work, financial concerns and other of life’s cares occupy too much of my time – time that I should be spending each day in gospel study and prayer.  That, too, will change.  I am nothing without the strength of the Lord.  As to myself, I am weak.  But with His strength, I can do all things!